


Say You Love Me, Too

by imjaebumism



Category: GOT7
Genre: (i'm lying. I hurt Jackson and I'm sorry), Chess Metaphors, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, JUST, M/M, Memory Loss, References to Illness, all around sadness, no jacksons were harmed in the making of this fic, read with caution, there may be slightly triggering yet vague mentions to suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 11:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8400115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imjaebumism/pseuds/imjaebumism
Summary: "It's your turn," Jaebum says and he sounds the same. Same voice dry, deep, a bit monotone but it shakes Jackson to his core and his hands tremble as he moves the same pawn from before one more spot forward. "Jackson." Jackson says softly and Jaebum moves his rook this time, three paces forward, right next to Jackson's pawn. "Jackson." Jaebum repeats, motioning Jackson's turn.





	

 

Their room is dark.

Jackson can't exactly remember a time when it wasn't dark, almost as much as he can't remember when the last time this room was considered "their's" and not just his. He wishes he couldn'tremember the last time Jaebum had set foot in it, but he remembers that day all too well- knows he'll never forget it.

But even if the sun is up, shining it's jovially bright rays right outside of the window, the room remains pitch black. It's how he prefers it, he'd rather be doused in blackness all the time than to have his eyes accidentally land on one of the reminders that their bedroom is full of, mementos he'll never be able to bring himself to let go of. Even though Jaebum's gone. Even though Jaebum's never coming back.

The safest Jackson ever feels is when he's beneath the covers, head half covered, eyes never closed. He's always staring out at the grainy blackness, gaze trained on the bathroom door he knows is there but could barely see the silhouette of. It's one of those days again, where he can't take a breath without pain rattling through his chest as a punishment right after, where he won't blink until his eyes completely dry out and they burn enough for tears to surface and he's forced to close his eyes for a second just to have them snap open again right after.

His heart feels heavy, his mind won't turn off. His thoughts go so fast on days like these, but he could never catch hold of any single one, never really knows what he's thinking so much about.

He could guess though.

And he guesses Jaebum. It's always Jaebum.

Their, he's well aware when this room stopped being 'their' room but he hasn't been able to bring himself to ever stop addressing it as such, bedroom door creaks as it's pushed open, the grains of orange artificial light barely reaching him from where it's shining in the hallway to where he's cocooned under the heavy comforter.

"Jackson," Its Mark. Its always mark because he cares too much. He cares too much and Jackson doesn't care at all, he doesn't care that it's been so long and he should be over this, stop letting it control his life. It's been months and his heart continues to only beat dully in his chest to keep him alive one more day, and he still wishes it would just stop already. But Mark cares so much and Jackson wishes he'd just stop already, "Jackson, please. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

Jinyoung's here too. There's footsteps coming into their room, more than just Mark's and they must be Jinyoung's. Always Jinyoung's.

"Please get out of bed, shower, eat something." Mark pleads and pleads and he never stops. He never gets tired of Jackson ignoring him or throwing fits or crying and crying into his shoulder until he's knocked himself out with the sobs, he's so tired.

But it doesn't make sense to him that he has to keep doing this. He goes to sleep every night hoping that the next morning he won't have to wake up. God could just give up on him, turn it all off, grant life to someone else, someone whose worth it. Jackson doesn't want it anymore.

"Jackson-,"

"Mark, please," Jackson says and he has no other choice but to do it softly. His voice hasn't been used in so long, he wonders if it's possible to forget how to use it, guesses he hasn't. "Please." He doesn't know what he's asking for. Please leave me alone, please let me be, let me grieve, let me hurt. It's the only thing that reminds him he's still here when he wakes up in the morning, That he's still alive. The rattle in his chest when he breathes in, the ache of his ribs accompanied by the deep breath he lets out cause God didn't give up. He's still alive. 

"You can't do this forever. Jaebum, he- he wouldn't want you to be like this forever." Mark continues quietly, as if he couldn't hear the plea in Jackson's voice to just end this. End it all.

Because it isn't fair. Its always what Jaebum wants- What about what Jackson wants? Why doesn't anyone ask about that? Why doesn't anyone listen to that?

Jackson just wants to be left alone, he wants to close his eyes, drown in the pain and not wake up tomorrow. He wants to be left alone, he wants to stare at the door he can't see but knows like the back of his hand, he wants to hide from the eyes of the photos he knows are staring down at him from every angle in _their_ room, judging him. Because Mark's right. Jaebum wouldn't want this for Jackson, but it doesn't matter because he's not here. He's gone and Jackson's forgotten.

He doesn't care.

"I just, I... I," it sucks because the more he tries to talk, the smaller his throat gets, the more tears prick at the back of his eyes and he feels miserable, completely drained. He closes his eyes and the tears pool behind his lids, he could almost see them. "I just want to be left alone."

"You're always left alone, Jackson. Its not good, we can't let this go on any longer." He could hear the sigh in Mark's words and he wonders how tired Mark is. Jackson wonders if Mark is as tired as his body feels, he can't even breath correctly. Not without hurting himself.

His chest rattles.

"I'll get up. Just give me a bit, please? I'll get up," Jackson says finally and if Mark hears him Jackson can only tell by the sigh and receding footsteps. Two pairs. Jinyoung's gone too.

He doesn't get up. Not right away. He closes his eyes and he sees their room, except it's not dark. Its light, bright even, overtly so- the shades are open and the sun comes through as its allowed. The door Jackson stares at without seeing is pushed open and Jaebum's there, body wet, hair wet, towel hung low on his hips as he smiles at Jackson and the room gets even brighter, the sun invited in as the scene gets more saturated. Saturated still until it's as blank and white as a canvas and Jackson feels as if he's been blinded.

His eyes open and its black, black and the doors there, he knows even if he can't see it that it's closed and Jaebum isn't here. He's gone, Jackson's forgotten.

-

It took some effort but Jackson got up.

He got up, showered and threw some clean clothes on that Jinyoung had set out for him while he'd been in the bathroom. Mark had a bowl of ramen made and steaming hot for him on the kitchen island, situated right in front of a barstool.

Jackson sat and ate it, all while two pairs of eyes stared at him making sure it all went down and never out, that he ate everything down to drinking the broth and then they're done.

They try to get him to come with them, back to their apartment, he shouldn't be alone. But Jackson's never wanted anything less. He would hate to be under their surveying gazes for any longer, the cloud of pity in the apartment has only grown larger since they came in and Jackson isn't used to other people pitying him. It's easier when he's just pitying himself.

So they leave after Jackson finds a way to curve his lips into a smile that may have looked reassuring, it felt foreign and he didn't know what to do with himself for a while after the apartment was desolate and quiet again and he just wanted to curl up under the covers of their bed again and hide from everything. Hide from the eyes. 

He grabs his keys instead.

-

He only drives for ten minutes but it feels like longer.

He definitely sits in the car outside of the building for longer than ten minutes, but he lost count and he doesn't know for sure about time or anything like that as his fingers curl tightly around the steering wheel, eyes closed as he welcomes the darkness. Darkness is safe. It's easier to hide.

Finally, finally he gets the strength to get out of the car and put one foot in front of the other, walking up the flower lined pathway to the front door. He signs in at the front desk and doesn't even glance at the plastic smile that the person sitting behind the desk offers, just stuffs his hands in his pockets when he's done and pushes past the double doors into a bright, too bright, open room.

There's tables and people, chairs and the sound of a tv playing in the background somewhere, it all fades away when Jackson sees him. He looks washed out, saturated like there's too much sunlight and it's trying to swallow him up. His skin clashes with the too white walls, pale and ashen with the light blue gown he's wearing. He looks too colorless when he used to be everything bright and colorful in Jackson's world, even his hair looks more grey than black, Jackson almost feels like crying. He doesn't, though.

Jaebum's sitting at a table all by himself, face pulled into a familiar expression as he stares down at the chess set in front of him. He looks a cross of determined and quizzical and no one could pull the look off quite as well as he does, it almost makes Jackson remember how to smile, almost.

The necklace Jaebum wears with his wedding band on it is still there, the ring glinting in the light with every move he makes. Jackson doesn't even notice when he starts to toy with his own ring on the third finger of his left hand, swallowing hard because Jaebum doesn't even know.

Slowly, he makes his way over, hands still in his pockets of the black hoodie he's wearing as he grabs the empty seat in front of Jaebum, sitting down gently, eyes trained on him the entire time.

Jaebum glances up at him quickly and there's nothing behind his eyes, Just grey, dull, glassiness and not the slightest bit of recognition before he's looking back down at the chess board, planning his next move.

It doesn't hurt Jackson as much as he thought it would, maybe he's learned not to feel recently.

He does it, makes the final move and places the white king in checkmate. He smiles, wide and broad, bright like the sun, the florescent lights in this room and it's so familiar that Jackson's heart aches. Jaebum slips back into action after his triumph, placing the pieces back in place and Jackson reaches up slowly when he's done watching him, putting the pieces on his side back in place too. He thinks he's gotten it all right but Jaebum reaches over and Jackson's palms go sweaty thinking Jaebum's going to touch him when he just grabs the black king and Queen and switches their places on Jackson's side of the board so they're opposite the way Jaebum's are set up before he sits back.

He moves his pawn first, two spots.

Jackson lets out a deep breath, choosing a pawn from his side and moving it forward too, one spot.

He watches Jaebum's face the entire time, he can't stop- even if he wanted to.

"It's your turn," Jaebum says and he sounds the same. Same voice dry, deep, a bit monotone but it shakes Jackson to his core and his hands tremble as he moves the same pawn from before one more spot forward.

"Jackson." Jackson says softly and Jaebum moves his rook this time, three paces forward, right next to Jackson's pawn.

"Jackson." Jaebum repeats, motioning Jackson's turn. He doesn't offer up his own name, like at some basal level he knows Jackson knows it, like maybe he knew he should have known Jackson's name.

Jackson goes for broke, using one of his pawns to take Jaebum's rook even though it leaves his pawn up for grabs. He never played this game with Jaebum to win.

They play like that for a bit, silence encapsulated, no room for sound or words it in their little game.

Until Jaebum breaks it. "You know your queen is completely defenseless right now, right?" He asks as he contemplates his next move, favoring the rook in his hand that's in the same line as Jackson's queen.

"You could take it," Jackson replies quietly, watching Jaebum. He looks older, though he knows that a few months shouldn't change his face so drastically. He's still beautiful, Jackson still loves him. His heart won't stop beating so hard in his chest, even though he wishes it would. "But you won't."

Jaebum looks up at him at that, his eyes meeting Jackson's as he bites at his thin lips, the corners of his mouth are cracked, his lips pale.

"What makes you say that?"

Jackson shrugs, looking down at his queen and twiddling his fingers, "I know you."

Jaebum hums in reply, placing his room down and choosing a bishop to move instead. He takes Jackson's knight and leaves the queen.

A ghost of a smile lands on Jackson's lips as he takes the queen and moves it out of harms way. Jaebum doesn't do his next move right a way, eyes trained on Jackson instead of the game board, he looks contemplative and a little confused, a furrow in between his brow present and so endearing. Jackson looks back at him and waits, breaths baited.

"Why do you look so sad?" Jaebum asks, tilting his head to the side just a bit. He's curious and Jackson almost smiles, looking down and biting his lip.

"I miss you." He replies simply, shrugging once.

"I'm right here, though." Jaebum says quietly and he sounds a bit unsure this time.

"You are, but you aren't. Not really, anyway." He's not the same Jaebum Jackson knew and Jaebum doesn't know him at all, doesn't look at him with stars in his eyes like he used to, doesn't smile like he swallowed the sun like he used to. They're different, Jaebum's gone and Jackson's forgotten.

It's silent for a bit and Jaebum doesn't reach for the game board, leaves all the pieces untouched as Jackson continues to avoid looking directly at him, tracing the grooves of the jeans covering his thigh, playing with his ring.

Its when Jackson hears Jaebum letting out a broken sounding, "Jackson-ah," That his eyes flash back to him and his heart immediately crumbles in his chest at what he sees there. Jaebum looks so vulnerable, shinny, dark eyes flooding with unshed tears as he looks at Jackson. He looks small and fragile and Jackson feels himself start to break as he shakes his head.

"Jackson-ah, what are you doing here?" Jaebum asks quietly, leaning forward in his chair. He doesn't reach out with his hand though, just brings his body closer as Jackson continues to shake his head. He can't stop. "Jackson."

"I had to come see you." Jackson chokes out, biting his lip hard as a tear escaped unbidden from his eyes, falling down his cheek as he keeps his gaze trained on the table. "I needed to see you."

"I wish you'd stop," Jaebum says sadly and Jackson chokes back a sob, "it only makes you sad. I always make you cry when I don't- when I can't remember."

"It makes me sad when I don't see you. When I can't tell if you're well, if you're okay." Jackson replies, nails digging into the palms of his hands, "I can't not come and see you, Jaebum. I feel so alone in that house by myself. It was never meant for just one person and I hate it." He sobs out loud this time, shoulders shaking, and he feels Jaebum as he gets closer more than notices or sees and he's sitting next to him, hand reaching for Jackson's in his lap. "Your hands are cold."

"Yours are warm. They always are," Jaebum says and Jackson finds himself offering Jaebum a watery smile that crumbles almost as quickly as it comes, "Jackson. I thought I told you-,"

"No," Jackson cuts him off, shaking his head as he holds onto Jaebum's hands tight, voice breaking, "don't. I can't- I can't sell the house and I can't stop coming to see you. I won't, hyung. Stop asking me to do that, it's not fair."

"This isn't fair to you either." Jaebum says quietly, sadly.

"It's fine. It's fine like this. When you remember like this, it makes me happy." Jackson laughs, wiping at the tears on his face with a shaking hand, "when you know who I am, when you remember us, I'm happy. Even when you don't and we just play chess and I leave and you never once ask me who I am it's fine. I just need to see you, i need to be around you or I'm not whole, hyung. I can't just stop. I won't."

Jaebum's silent for a beat before answering, "it kills me when I know I'm hurting you like this. I never want to forget, Jackson-ah. I never want to forget about you. I try so hard to remember." His voice cracks at the end and Jackson nods, sniffling as more tears fall.

"I know. I don't blame you, hyung. I know you don't want to forget." He bites his lip, looking up at Jaebum and meeting his gaze. He isn't crying but his eyes are glassy, face drawn and he looks upset, Jackson just smiles at him the best he can, reaching a hand up to gently trace his fingers down his jaw, voice strong as he says, "I love you, hyung. I'll never stop loving you. Even when you forget, I'll remember. For the both of us."

Instead of looking happy at that, Jackson watches as Jaebum's face crumbles, his chin wrinkling, "you shouldn't have to do that, though. I never wanted that for you. I want you to be happy."

Jackson sighs letting go of Jaebum's hands, though his body pleads with him not to, using his fingers to wipe at his face, the tears making his cheeks sticky. He didn't want this meeting to go like this, Jaebum never usually remembered when they were together, never all of it like this. He didn't want to be crying and sad and trembling on one of the only meetings they've had where Jaebum actually remembered and knew who he was. He doesn't want to waste their time with tears, "I just- I just want to be with you. That's all I ever wanted." 

But he can't have it. He can't have Jaebum anymore and that starts to get him sad again so he forces a smile on his face instead of dwelling, "C'mon, let's play. Its your turn."

Jaebum looks over to the board after a second like he forgot it was even there before getting up slowly and taking his seat back across from Jackson. He surveys the board, frowning as he looks up at Jackson incredulously, "how am I not killing you right now? You suck at this game."

"You never let me lose, Hyung." Jackson reminds, smiling and Jaebum just sighs, moving an arbitrary piece to an arbitrary tile. He leaves his king completely exposed and Jackson moves the queen Jaebum let him keep, moving it right before Jaebum's king and he grins, "checkmate."

Surveying the board again, Jaebum acquiesces Jackson's victory when he finds that his king is really trapped. He shrugs, "can't win them all, I guess. Good game-, um... sorry. I don't-,"

"Jackson," Jackson offers, smile crumbling like brittle.

Jaebum nods and starts to collect his pieces for the next round, "right. Jackson."

-

Jackson's back in his car, staring at things he doesn't really see. The white stoned building, the lively flowers lining the pathway to the glass front door.

He'd parted with Jaebum amicably enough, he didn't remember again their entire second game and by the time it was done, the facility was serving lunch and dishing out medication and Jackson took his leave, saying goodbye to Jaebum who just smiled and waved as Jackson walked away.

He could feel his eyes prickling but he doesn't think he's going to cry, not again. His tear reserves were running low and he couldn't find the effort for anything more than just staring with seeing.

Jackson rests his head on top of his crossed arms on the steering wheel, looking down at the cashmere fibers on his sweater sleeve. He feels cold. Numb.

He thinks about their bed in their apartment. About how much he'd love to go back and hide under the comforters, close the curtains, hide from the eye. He thinks about how much he wants that, and how much he shouldn't.

So he pulls out his phone and messages Mark instead. He'd rather not be alone right then, he realizes.

_You and Jinyoung wanna get coffee?_

Jackson doesn't have to wait too long for his reply.

_Sure Jackson. The usual?_

_The usual._ Jackson texts back before turning on the car and pulling back from the parking spot. He doesn't glance back at the white stone building,and the glass doors and flower lined paths are just a memory.

**Author's Note:**

> O.O
> 
> Hi. Did you like it? Lemme know what you thought in a comment please?
> 
> Thanks for reading ^.^
> 
> Title is from Drive by Glades


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